Dangerous Forgiveness
One of the most misunderstood beliefs in life deals with a fundamental principle of forgiveness. In forgiveness we know it is necessary to let go of the offences and pain that someone has caused in our life. Although never easy, it can be especially difficult when someone consistently suffers a painful relationship in their life.
Proverbs 18:19 states: “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.”
A story I often hear in the office is that of a woman who grew up with an angry father, never knowing when the next explosion would occur. Living with fear and anxiety and always wondering what she did to earn her father’s anger, she starts looking for a way out. Along comes a “strong and caring” man, and her hope for joy and a healthy relationship culminate in a beautiful wedding. For a while it seems as if her dreams have come true, but then enter in a little stress, some financial problems, a boss on his case, and this mild mannered husband blows up at small things, yelling and blaming her and the kids. She desperately wants peace with her husband but that long term security seems elusive. Every time he gets frustrated and “releases steam” at home, her hope shatters. If he apologizes for his anger, she lets it go as best as she can, desperately believing it won’t happen again. Yet each time he explodes she loses a little more trust and protective walls start growing around her heart. If this pattern continues she eventually closes her heart to him as a way of protecting herself from the fear and pain.
She soon comes to see forgiveness as just opening up to additional pain and suffering. Lies enter in such as, “It is better to shut down, quit caring, and stop hoping for something better, than to continue to be vulnerable to such unrelenting pain.” In addition to not trusting her husband, she no longer trusts herself to make the right decisions to protect herself. After all, there were all those times she believed things would improve but she ended up disappointed and wounded again.
She is now caught in a double trap: If I forgive and trust I will only get hurt again. If I try to protect myself, by closing my heart, I will be alone and unloved. The temptation comes to believe it would be better to be numb than to live in constant pain.
What the lie doesn’t explain though, is that it is impossible to keep out of the pain by shutting down the heart because the pain sneaks through anyway. Not only that, but the pain comes as a fiery dart right through the protective walls we have set up, and ignites the powder keg of fears we buried there. Often the harder we try to protect ourselves the deeper the pain we end up experiencing.
So, what about the other option? The last verse in Mathew 18 instructs us to forgive, and not only that, but to forgive from the heart. The fear is, “If I forgive I will just be hurt and disappointed again”. It is true; without the walls in place for protection, we are more vulnerable. However, through forgiveness the powder kegs of pain and fear are removed and the capacity to deal in a healthy way with someone else’s sin in my life grows. Although the dart still hurts, it loses its power to demolish my joy and lock me into a defensive mode. Forgiveness won’t keep us out of new painful situations in life but it can eliminate the “powder kegs” of past offenses that hinder us from handling new offenses graciously. Forgiveness means trusting God through the trials, not without them.
This level of forgiveness is extremely hard to live out yet very freeing as we find healing in Christ. God commands us to forgive. It is non-optional. It is the only path to true freedom. Costly yes, but worth it. We give up our “rights” but gain life in return. And not just a little bit of life but life abundant. (Jn. 10:10). I marvel at those mature Christians today who, enduring afflictions, hardships, distresses, etc. still maintain their composure, never losing their joy or trust in God (2 Cor. 6).
We may not be able to trust some people or even ourselves but we can always trust Jesus and His word even when our minds can’t make sense out of life. Forgiveness requires a choice, especially when it feels dangerous to let walls down. But we are commanded to forgive from the heart so we will be able to handle the trials of life for what they truly are, without the exaggeration of the buried hurts of the past. Forgiveness can feel like a dangerous walk across old battlefields with hidden land mines, but on the other side is the rest and peace we long for. The only safe path is holding onto Jesus and following His directions.
We do have to be cautious though, not to confuse forgiveness with trust. Trust isn’t just given but needs to be rebuilt as the other person grows and changes. But until we release the past offenses to God for Him to deal with, we will not recognize the changes He may be working in others. Once we forgive, we will be much more sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading as to if and when it is safe to start trusting again. We will be able to enjoy relationships in a whole new way, once they are grounded in truth. Freedom and joy follow obedience.