When I Don’t Feel Like Forgiving
A while back a couple came in for help with their marriage. The wife was in a deep battle with forgiving her husband for some poor choices that cost them dearly. Even though he learned from his mistakes and was trying to make much wiser decisions, she struggled to let it go. Every time we talked about forgiveness she’d get close to the painful situation and hit a wall emotionally and shut down.
Wrestling through this, it became apparent she had a very strong sense of right and wrong and believed forgiving her husband would be dishonest. It was as if she was violating her integrity to forgive him, since she didn’t feel like forgiving him. This was only one of numerous situations in their marriage where forgiving was so difficult because it felt inside like she was being dishonest with herself. Doing something that felt wrong, no matter how right it was, had become a major block in both her marriage and relationship with God.
The good news is that God is not outdone by our struggles and He continued to allow her husband to “trigger” some strong feelings in her when he would stumble into the emotional “buttons” she had been carrying for years. If someone touched the “buttons” she would aggressively push them away both verbally and emotionally. These “buttons” were connected to feelings of failure, rejection, and not being able to measure up, which originated when she was young. She made the mistake of not listening to her conscience and disobeyed her parents which led to both physical and financial damage in her family. After that she made an inner vow to never ignore her feelings, no matter what.
Most of us have similar “buttons”. “Buttons” are there to push others away from causing more pain in our lives. Most “buttons” are covered with sayings like BACK OFF, You Know Better than do THAT, Radioactive, Do Not Touch, etc. In marriage we tend to try and figure out the dance where we can get close enough to connect without triggering one another’s “buttons”.
The only way to disconnect our “buttons” is to work through forgiveness and release the old feelings and lies to God. It’s never easy but it is powerful in bringing freedom in our lives. When someone hurts us, forgiveness is still necessary, no matter what the other person has done or how we feel. Mt. 18:14,15 “For if you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions.”
We must also forgive for the emotional damage: Mt. 18:35 “. . . So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
Freedom in Christ Ministries has some great material on forgiveness from which I’m including a few thoughts. “Forgiveness is a choice, a decision of your will. Since God requires us to forgive, it is something we can do. Forgiveness seems to go against our sense of what is right and fair. So we hold on to our hurt, punishing people over and over again in our minds for the pain they’ve caused us.
“But we are told by God never to take our own revenge (Rom. 12:19). Let God deal with the person! Let them off your hook because as long as you refuse to forgive someone, you are still hooked to them. You are still chained to your past, bound up in your bitterness.
“By forgiving, you let the other person off your hook, but they are not off God’s hook. You must trust that God will deal with the person justly and fairly, something you simply cannot do.
“You might say, ‘But you don’t know how much this person hurt me!’ You’re right. We don’t, but Jesus does; and He tells you to forgive. And don’t you see? Until you let go of your anger and resentment, the person is still hurting you. You can’t turn back the clock and change the past but you can be free from it. You can stop the pain, but there is only one way to do it—forgive.
“You forgive others for your sake so you can be free. Forgiveness is mainly a matter of obedience to God. God wants you to be free; there is no other way.
“This doesn’t mean we must continue to put up with the future sins of others. God doesn’t tolerate sin and neither should we. It is important to take a stand against sin while simultaneously exercising grace and forgiveness to those who hurt us. Sometimes we need help in setting wise limits and healthy boundaries to protect us from future abuse.”
Once the wife in the story made the decision to forgive—to really forgive from her heart, it radically changed their marriage. She was also able to break the vow in her heart to always follow her feelings and instead learned to find balance. She could take her feelings to the Lord and weigh them against His Word and truth. She learned she had many more options that she couldn’t see before. It was encouraging to see how our Lord had grace for her struggles and out of that she learned grace for others.
In the book of Romans (12:19-21) are some clear applications of how to walk in forgiveness. “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
We all suffer because of things others have said or done. If you are able to let God take both the situation and the emotional damage, by releasing it into His control, you will find a peace that passes all understanding that will guard your hearts and minds.
Bob Hardin
Director – NWBCC
Testimonies
· A significant breakthrough came when I saw that God gives me the grace to make mistakes and be forgiven. As such, I must give my wife grace and forgiveness, believing in a new and healthy future for our marriage.
· God showed me the healing power of forgiveness in my heart. Forgiveness is so quick to bring healing and genuineness. Also, He has worked a great deal in building confidence in what the Bible says.
· I now understand what triggers the way I have lashed out at my husband. Really, until this process I was not able to identify this behavior. Now I am freed as a result of identifying, confronting, and removing the enemy’s lies that have kept me in this behavior. I can now work through this process and conquer this behavior. I am free!
Prayer Needs
· Service Opportunities—We have a need for volunteers who can work remotely or onsite for two to three hours/week:
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“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”
Paul Boese