To Fix or Not to Fix
We all value a good listener, someone who is quick to listen and slow to speak. They take time to understand our struggles and know where we are at. A good listener has that uncanny ability to draw things out of us that are hard to express, yet without condemnation or using it against us. Their desire is to help us through the difficulties of life and not just “fix” us so the problems go away.
A number of years ago I learned a valuable lesson on communication. I was, in my own way, trying to be a good husband. I knew it was important to care for my wife, yet I found out that my ways were not always her ways. As a man, I was well respected for my abilities in solving problems. My job as an engineer gave me encouragement to objectively look at problems, try to get the bigger picture, and find a simple yet appropriate resolution. That was my way of managing everything in life.
On a typical evening I would come home from work and my wife would share with me how her day was going, the struggles along with the victories. As I would listen to the trials she ran into during her day, I would do my “normal” thing and engineer solutions to her problems and explain what she needed to do to fix them. This “standard procedure” continued for years until my gentle wife asked me in her frustration, “Bob, will you please just listen?” In the back of my mind I thought it was my job to fix the problems, then everything would be fine and we could be happy and go on with other projects. In effect, I was making my wife another one of my projects, which she really didn’t appreciate.
Looking back, this was truly a turning point in my life. She needed me to listen to what was going on inside her heart, not just to the external issues. She didn’t need the “fixing”, but to be understood (1 Peter 3:7). The more I practiced listening to her heart, trying to understand what was going on inside, the more freedom I found in our relationship. I didn’t have to fix it all! It was more important to understand and care for her than to make the problems go away. In reality she already knew how to “fix” most of the problems. She was sharing her heart so that I could be part of her life. She wanted a deeper connection with me than just mechanically taking care of another crisis. Her heart’s cry reminded me of Jesus and the Father in John 14:10, where they are one, the Father in Jesus and Jesus in the Father. I needed to listen and understand my wife’s heart so she could be in my heart.
I also needed to be able to share my heart before it could be in her heart. My wife would ask that infamous question, “How was your day?” I’d give the typical male response, “Fine”. I might follow with something substantial like, “What’s for dinner?” Honestly, this didn’t do it for her. She would ask questions about how things went, not to be nosey, but so she could understand my life. As a male, my perspective was that I already fixed all those problems and didn’t want to run through them again. I had closed that box. I also didn’t need anybody checking up on me to make sure I handled things correctly. That wasn’t what she wanted; she wanted me, not what I did. She wanted to know more about who I am and how I deal with life. I was so dense that I often got defensive and would avoid her, only to bring more frustration. Once I gained the perspective that she was trying to be close to me, in her way, as a lady, those same questions are now a joy instead of a threat.
Now the internal pressure is off. I don’t have to “fix” everything. I can take the same time and energy and get to know who she really is. We are both much better for it.